…this camming thing to work! Last time i had a steady 200 people in my room for at least an hour, and only dudes with money talking to me.

I was so horny and when i finally got a guy to go private with me I went to town!

He told me i was a naughty girl and needed to be spanked, and not to tell mommy about this. And i said ‘yes daddy’

I’m getting hot just thinking about this.

I still need to set up logistics bla bla bla boring boring boring,

But i could do well…

I just don’t feel horny that often since i’m sleeping with Mathieu.

He always wants to talk about sex and what kinda orgasms i want to have.

And i’m just like ‘i dunnoooooooo just do it!’

But it’s good, though.

It’s always good with someone you love. You get to look into his eyes and be like ‘woah.

This exists.’

But i digress…

Thursday night. The Big Fat Greek Guy’s birthday party, the one that everybody knows about, but only a few people know how to get there, because it’s in the deep woods, past quick sand and stuff.

So it’s a jam party, ¢outdoors, with crazy cool lights, hangdrum (handpan), violin, guitars, vocalists, Jimbé, and BFGG on his wireless hands-free microphone, churning out deep tribal chants and sounds, etc. and i bring Mathieu with me. (He was totally outta place it was pretty funny) Aleks and Dre are there too, going ‘hey, you’re a singer… get up there!’ And i’m like ‘myahhh, maybe, whatever…’

But then Alej gets up on stage, and that chick guitarist, and it’s sounding really good, and i’m thinking the moment could use a little vocalz. So i rock up to the mic with my lil backpack on, and i start singing Summertime. And when Alej hears it, he knows the chords so he plays along to it. But the guitar chick doesn’t know it, so we lose her sound, and it becomes a little confused. So now I’m on the spot.. i don’t know what to sing and i don’t feel it anymore, but Alej’s telling me to keep singing it like this.. And i’m like ‘whatever i’m just trying to jam’

And then Ale coldly says, ‘if you’re going to do something, do it.’

So i start singing 

‘🎶If you’re gonna do something, do it. (Jimbé’s glancing at me, smiling)

If you’re gonna start something,

See through it

If you’re gonna be somethin, be it.

Love something? love it.

All the way, no regrets, no take backs, no excuses🎶

(or something like that)

And the crowd is cheering, and the energy is rising, and so I fall back into Summertime. But again Ale starts playing fancy jazz chords, noone can follow him, and we lose the momentum. So i feel let down as fuck. But not defeated.

I look at Aleks, and she looks back, knowingly, and I go:

🎶See, this is why i didn’t wanna do this in the first place.

Now it’s a performance, in the worst way.

And this sucks. This sucks so much, 

Cause everybody’s tryna be

Like ‘look at me’

‘I’m a musician’

‘Worship me’

But nobody gives a fuck

We’re just here to play, do our thang, have some fun, bitchez…

So have fun, bitchez🎶 

Or something like that.

And everyone is cheering, loudly, i drop the mic and get out of there, and it’s the greatest moment ever because everyone’s dancing again, the energy is fire, people are hugging me and thanking me, for bringing exactly what was needed… and i’m embarrassed by the attention, but still trying to feel and fully appreciate all the love that is being showered upon me right now. It’s powerful and meaningful.. and weird.

I didn’t know i was doing anything special. I was just jamming because that’s what i do. I love it. It’s my way of being fully me. Expressing what i feel in a way that can be understood!

And i really fuckin succeeded that time.

It’s such a weird paradox, between growing an ego because of need of praise, and letting go of your ego to really become the essence of that feeling you wanna communicate…

Which generates the very praise you seek.

But i don’t really seek praise, anymore. That’s a trap. I appreciate it, and welcome it hungrily, but whatever. I have my own reasons for doing what i do, and they’re not about other people.

I do it because it’s who i am. And that’s that.

And i love the world and people around me, the best i can, because that’s the same as loving myself.

But yo, three days later, people are still rocking up to me to give me hugs and thanks. It’s so cooool!!!