Songkran is a crazy Thai festival that lasts a few days, where it’s a huge water fight Everywhere you go in the streets. Everyone in the community plays by throwing water balloons, squirting water guns, and getting smashed. April is the hottest month of the year here so I welcome songkran with open arms. I never experienced it before so i don’t know that much details but i’m excited. I keep finding myself walking around, sweating, wishing someone would splash a huge bucket of water in my face, and now it’s actually happening! It’s supposed to be a celebration for the buddhist new year. Which, by the way, in the buddhist calendar, we’re entering year 2558 i believe.

Also, I don’t think i mentioned that i moved to Bangkok. My passport expires in 4 months so I have to get it redone ASAP because a lot of countries won’t let me in with such a short time of validity on my thing.

I did a Visarun two days ago, to Satun on the border of Malaysia. Visa run is a thing where you only get to stay in Thailand for a month as a tourist… so if you want to stay longer, you have to run to the border, leave the country, and come right back, and you get an extra month. The nearest border is about 7 hours away, so it’s an aaaaalllll day thing.

Look at me, i’m the fuckin encyclopaedia today.

Anyway so i VisaRan, and lucky for me, my Mathieu was Visarunning on the same day, so we Visaran together! We watched the sun rise from the boat, and we kissed in the twilight as the beautiful colours began to light the sky! And then we spent the day flirting and kissing and sleeping at the back of the bus. I love him! He let’s me kiss him and tell him i love him all i want! And i think he likes it too… He fingered me on the bus and it was really really good. Never done that with so many people around. And then he wanted me to give him a hand job, which i would have loved to do, but have no idea how. Especially with the pressure of daylight, a moving bus, and people around! Fuck. I wish i knew how to please him in that way. But you should see me. I really suck at sex. I’m so shy!
I think what redeems me is that i always want to do it, at least. And guys always just do everything anyway. And they don’t complain. They’re just glad they get to do it with you… Except for that jerk, Leo… what a jerk that guy was. He really hurt my self-esteem…

Anyway. So here i am in Bangkok. I was in Bangkok last year, and i didn’t like it then, and i don’t like it now. I’m trying busking but everywhere i go is too noisy or i get kicked out. This place is tooo much. I’m reading ‘think and grow rich’ (again) because it’s not right that i should always be so broke. I have a block where i don’t believe i deserve to have money so i’m always at ends meet. I been meditating a lot and repeating affirmations to myself, and it’s helping for sure, slowly. That’s how i got over my block about not deserving to be loved by a man. And in that respect i feel free as a bird and perfect!

By the way, I said goodbye to my Mathieu and i don’t know when i’ll see him again. He wants me to go back to KP and be with him but… I can’t go live there and be his wife. I’m all over the place. I need to be free…

So I trust it will all work out for me. It always does. I have something really special i need to share and i think that as i believe in it more and more, it grows in me and it cannot hide. Slowly i’m abandoning this ego shell as my self, disrespecting it as much as i can, so that i can let my true spirit shine!
But i know that it shines already in many ways…

anyways…

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