I had to drag myself out of bed and into a cold shower, and let the fan blow it’s cold cold wind on my body as i dried. That was like three minutes ago. I’m now burning hot again. It’s ok. I just had to write.

I’m learning to control my mind, with meditation and stuff, because otherwise I wander into strange and useless depths. I’m doing well.

The meaning of letting go:

I’m on two cam sites. One of them appears as a “classy” place for a gentleman to choose his lady and take her to a private room where she will show him her privates. The other is a free for all where all genders are fucking and sucking all kinds of things for tips. You can also take someon private, but people are mainly playing for tips.
I was picked up by a studio (through tinder) to join the former site, and they advised me not to show any nudity unless men take me private. Since this was rarely happening, I still felt i needed to get my rocks off, and I went back to the free-for-all site when i was feeling horny and I just wanted people to watch me masturbate. I got so sick of waiting for tips to do anything that i just wrote in my room, “fuck it, i’m too horny, just tip if you like me.” And I got naked and did my thing, and people started tipping me! And playing along, and engaging me, and taking me private! Yesterday I made 125$. That’s the most I’ve made so far in a day, and I didn’t even try. I just be’d myself, let go, stopped worrying about my “worth” and just did it because i LIKE it.

I already have more than 400 followers now, and they love me. They make jokes, they tell me i’m beautiful, they tip me, they appreciate me! All this when I stopped asking, stopped worrying, let go, and just did what i wanted. Mr. niggerlover made a brief appearance, but i quickly silenced him, because he was creating an unnecessary tension in my room, where there needn’t be. Now i feel like i have proper friends/fans who like me for me, appreciate my humanness and want to have fun!

So I thought that was a nice lesson for me to share, and take with me in all aspects of my life. Be yourself, let go and Trust that you are worthy.

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Busking has not been working out for me in Bangkok, but yesterday I thought i’d check out Khao San road, where all the backpackers go, with my guitar, and see if I couldn’t fit in somewhere. It was Songkran. The street was packed, the traffic was  insane. So many people had water guns, splashing each other with water. The atmosphere was super happy, but I was so out of place all alone with my guitar, so I quickly got out of there, wondering what the fuck I was doing with my guitar! It’s so heavy to walk around with, and I wanted to get splashed, but people were being really respectful and only spraying other water-gun holders. And it was SO Hot.

Then on my way back, some guy stopped me and asked me if I could play a song for him. He’s a guy from Kazakhstan named Kazbek. I cheekily said “what do i get in return?” and he offered to by me a sandwich and a drink at 7/11. I accepted of course, and I played  him a couple Bob Marley tracks. He was enchanted, and he took me to 7/11, got me some snacks, and we went back to his hostel living room to eat. That’s when I began to realize that he was a little off. And not just cause of the language barrier. So I politely said goodbye, after adding him to Whatsapp, and found my way home somehow.
So bringing the guitar wasn’t a total waste. I got a meal out of it. Which, believe me, ladies and gentlemen, I needed. Because I am currently BROKE.

Then i came home to like nine messages from this Kazbek guy, sending me pictures of his day, and incoherent phrases. This morning at 7am he wrote me again to ask me if I will marry him.
No I won’t, and why do I keep getting the crazies?!

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