I know i’ve been MIA for a while.

I’ve been so busy, sleeping on Derick’s couch, in his tiny apartment, without a moment to myself, it seems. Except for a few hours in the night when he finally slept. His to-be ex- girlfriend was also hanging out with us all the time. She was so sweet, always cooking for me and making sure I was comfortable. But he said she was sticking around to make sure that nothing would happen between he and I.
Good thing, because i didn’t want anything to happen between he and I. And you know how guys are; they’re always down, somehow. Regardless of how inappropriate or awkward it may be.
Anyway, I helped him produce some tracks, and I sang on some songs he’s written. One of them we became really inspired by, finished it and released it on iTunes. It’s the first song I ever “formally” released. It’s good, and a lot of people are giving great feedback on it. I’m proud.
I didn’t think anything of it when we were making it, except for the fun of it. He loves what I do, and was so inspired by me, he didn’t want me to leave!
But I really really wanted to.
I’m the kind of person who needs a lot of personal space and privacy, and when I don’t have it I can go from happy-go-lucky to very bitter.

I meditated as much as i could, so that helped me. Mathieu eventually missed me so much that he offered to pay for a motorbike for me and let me stay at his place if I came back to Koh Phangan. So i did. After I finally handed in my passport to have it renewed at the embassy in Bangkok, I came back to KP. I arrived yesterday, emotionally drained, from having to constantly be ‘on’. I slept all day, and today I washed and cut my hair, and loafed, and it felt so good. Mathieu is in Penang on a visa run, so he’ll be back tomorrow.
Though I’m excited to see him, i am so grateful for these two amazing days alone.

Speaking of Mathieu, I love him but he is an idiot. The first time we had sex he came inside me, even though I specifically told him not to, and his excuse was that he heard me say that I was just finishing my period, so it was ok. He did not understand in any way why it would be wrong.
I cried and screamed at him for the sheer disrespect it showed, and he apologized, but he still continued to come right on my pussy as opposed to directly inside it. He didn’t get it.

I’m getting angrier writing this because it’s such a huge disregard for my wishes. He will never get pregnant. He will never deal with a growing human in his womb. It’s like he doesn’t give a fuck that that’s a thing I Could go through, and how VERY uncomfortable it will be.
But i’m really mad at myself, for not really stopping him. I didn’t insist because talking about sexual things makes me really uncomfortable, so i just let it go.
Now i think i’m pregnant. The day I was supposed to bleed, I got a huge white discharge instead, which is a sign of pregnancy. And i’m still not getting my period.
I’m praying that i’m not, but if I am, i’ll accept the responsibility calmly. I’ve always said I would never have an abortion, but I’ve changed a lot in the last year. Now I would also freely have sex with guys that I wouldn’t necessarily want to start a family with. Mathieu included.
I’m the type of person not to get worked up when things don’t go my way, because things usually go my way. On the off- chance that they don’t, I suck it up, shrug it off and make the best of it. That’s the most I can do. I’m upset, but I won’t cause a scene. I’ll just calmly find the nearest, quickest abortion clinic, and have him pay for it.
The hardest part is not taking it out on him. I feel that he secretly wants to have a baby with me, and he really doesn’t care how it affects me physically, so that’s why he so casually comes all over me like it was nothing. No Other Man has Ever done that to me and I just feel that it’s so wrong. Then again, no other man has loved me so unconditionally and treated me so well.
Basically I have to find it in me to be absolutely positive throughout this whole thing.

Wish me luck

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