Note: i started writing this post several days ago. It’s hard to stay up to date with all that is going on, but i want to because a lot is happening right now and i feel like it’s important to document! I am changing so much …
I shall take this opportunity, while Mathieu is sleeping in the hammock next to mine, because i was annoying him too much in this one, to update you.
I don’t know if you noticed but i am prone to depression, and it takes serious dedication to be as happy-go-lucky as I am.
But this blog isn’t about depression. It’s meant to be funny, and a nice account of my experiences while traveling. And being a person. Furthermore, i have but recently freed myself of the burden society had placed upon me to tame and control my sexual urges.
Fortunately (or unfortunately for whoever gets in my way), these urges are too strong and need to be expressed, and i am a new, empowered and free woman!
Of course, learning about my sexuality and what part it has in my life has been a challenge! Especially when you’re learning to interact with a guy you love. And the pain that the fear of hurting him causes!
That’s why i try to be as honest as i can with him. But i can’t say everything! But it’s true that im going to see Ludwig in Berlin, and i don’t know what will transpire. Mathieu ‘s over here talking about marriage and traveling together! I feel closer to him than I’ve ever been with Ludwig, and yet something draws me to that german man so strongly, and i have to know!
I can’t let my first proper boyfriend ever be my last, because I’ve so much yet to experience as this new free woman!
Learning to get what you want.
Mathieu tells me he loves me all the time and stuff but i noticed that he doesn’t cuddle me at night and in the morning like he used to. Also he is not a fan of kissing. Like proper french kissing. He seems to dodge my kisses whenever i try, before letting me have one measly little peck. This is obviously unsatisfactory to me. So i tried a bargaining chip, when he told me he wanted to wear the raincoat i was wearing, so i would have the broken one.
I agreed but on the condition that he give me a kiss that lasts 1 1/2 minutes, at the moment of my choice.
He hesitated so much (!) but he finally agreed.
That evening, we were having romantic time on the porch of his bungalow, drinking wine as the sun set and gazing into each other’s eyes lovingly. He did not make one move. He looked all shy or something, looked around, at his watch, checked his phone. I’m here like ‘hello! Don’t you love me? Don’t you wanna kiss my soft sensuous lips?’ Apparently he didn’t. So i called my chip.
He hesitated so much (!) he claimed he hadn’t had a breath mint. I exclaimed that i don’t care. He pleaded that 1 1/2 minutes is so long! I was not impressed. I scoffed at him and i said never mind.
‘Ok ok fine i’ll do it, he said.
… but do you deserve it?’
Really? Are you sure? As he drew his face close so close to mine.
‘Yes i’m sure.’
‘I like girls who are sure of themselves.’
‘Then you must really like me’
And he touched my lips so lightly and passionately with his, i was prefectly motionless and forgot to breathe.
He gave me the best kiss that we have ever had. So soft and perfect and sensual and good and slow.
I was in heaven, for about 5 minutes. Then he started touching my panties. And loosening his shorts. And putting my panties to
The side. I was also getting so horny, but i stopped him and i said “we don’t have to make love every time we kiss do we…?”
And he was a bit embarrassed as he put his dick back in his shorts but he said ‘you’re absolutely right’
Showing him who’s boss.
I honestly don’t know why this guy hesitates so much to make out with me, especially since he is such an amazing kisser and he really seems to enjoy it as well, when he wants to… but the comment about ‘deserving it’ gave me a clue. I told you he doesn’t cuddle me as much as he used to. And most of the time he fucks me like a slut. Bending me over and twisting me in different positions, he really dominates me, and i like it, because i am a slut, and i wanna get banged. But not always. Sometimes i wanna be sweet and slow.
I’m getting the feeling like he has an underlying belief that i’m a slut, and he’s holding back a bit of affection because he knows that i’m not all his, and i might hook up with other guys, and maybe he feels insecure about that.
Anyway, I’m not sure what his problem is, but i realize that confidence is important. If i seem like i’m needy whiny sad and begging for love, he’s not turned on. When I’m sure of myself, make my boundaries clear, and make sure I’m getting my way, then he’ll do anything to make me happy.
Like the other day he was going at it really hard and I made him stop because it was hurting me, and then he changed his pace, faced me and made sweet love to me with a million kisses and everything.
Don’t get what you want, get what you need.
I don’t know if it’s because I’m always horny, or if i crave the emotional/physical validation that getting fucked gives me. Because sometimes at night or in the morning, when he doesn’t want to do it, i feel such intense frustration that it makes me moody as hell. And i daren’t plainly ask for sex, because… i feel like if i’m naked and i’m kissing up to him it should be obvious. And if he’s not getting an erection, i’m feeling a rejection. One evening that we hadn’t done it all day, i really wanted it and he was just cuddling. Finally i said “do you feel like making love?”
“I was more in lovey dovey mode… but i can always be swayed…”
And then he started touching and kissing my breasts, and took my panties down, and started putting it inside, but it wasn’t even getting hard! He kept trying, and i even sucked his dick for a bit, but nothing was happening! Finally we gave up. He was disappointed that he couldn’t satisfy me, and i took it lightly and funnily. I decided it was a sign that i can’t force myself on him, it will just happen when it’s right. It was really hot out and we had gotten all sweaty from the episode, so we decided to take a shower together. Another first. We soaped each other up and it was really fun and sweet. He washed my whole body including my pussy and it made me laugh so hard to be touched there by him in a non sexual way. It was a really nice bonding experience. I’ve never felt so close, comfortable and intimate with a man before in my life.
In conclusion all I’m saying is i’m still learning. Figuring it out. I used to think that a relationship means you have to let him see everything of you, know all your secrets inside and out and know how to open up.
And I’m such a shy and timid person that i was always terrified of that.
But now i think that a relationship is just loving someone just like he is, and appreciating all the good times you get with him.
But mostly it’s loving yourself just like you are. Never jusging yourself and always knowing that you’re worthy of great love.