Mathieu said something was going to happen to me here, because there were forces trying to keep me away from Berlin… but I trusted myself more.
I can’t pay for the rent here at Walter’s place yet, and he is furious.
He’s criticizing everything I do, and he yelled at me last night, like he was ready to kick me out.
I asked Ludwig for the money, because last year i gave him 200 Euros in exchange for sex (long story) but he could only give me 100 of the 250 Euros I need.
We slept next to each other last night.
It felt so good to feel him near me.
I’m not a slut anymore. I don’t even feel horny. I’m just in love with two men. And one of them is not in love with me any more.
There’s always a chance he’ll warm up to me again, but when I think of that sweet perfect smile and cuddles that i used to get from him, it’s clear that those times are over.
Doesn’t stop what i feel. And what i know i need to do.
He’s my muse, and i will love him no matter what. I can’t help it and I don’t want to.
So first, I’m gonna start making money busking with Pat, playing Jazz tunes. I think that we can make enough money to pay back what i owe, and then travel to Croatia, where the big money is at!
Honestly, maybe I should feel scared, disappointed or worried, but I just don’t.
I have too much faith in who I am, and what my purpose is.